The Stirrings of My Discontent: Stream of Consciousness

What do you associate with the color white?  Purity, right?  (Ill write a blog post about that later)
What do you associate with the color white? Purity, right? (I'll write a blog post about that later)

I do not know exactly why I choose not to be sexually active aside from biblical teachings.  Clearly STD’s, STI’s. unexpected pregnancy and all of that are compelling enough reasons.  But if you take away all of those, why be chaste?  (I distinguish between chastity and abstinence) I keep being confronted with that question, and I am realizing more and more that it is MY choice.  I don’t see any rational benefit from giving myself to a man sexually.  I don’t NEED to do so.  I refuse to be “common.”  And it isn’t about keeping my virginity to “give” it to my husband.  That logic fails when I factor in the possibility that the man does not esteem virginity as I do.  The “gift” has no worth when it is not acknowledged or valued.  On a purely human plane, I have no justification for holding myself to a standard that no one else observes.  I refuse to be subject to a sexual double-standard whereby the chastity is entirely the woman’s.  It is ultimately between me and God. It is not between me and man.  Everyone else can do what they want,  but I’m doing this for myself.  I am making this choice, exercising my God-given free will.

I realize that this choice also means I am privileged.  I have the choice to say “I will not engage in sexual activity.”  That is not the case for most women and children.  Rape, sex trafficking and abuse take away the possibility of choice in some instances. In war zones, rape is used as a weapon.  It is not about sex, it is about power.  This act, this denial of another human being’s full personhood, translates to the exercise of power.  To say “you are subject to me” and deny them a very fundamental and personal choice is nothing short of heinous.  I file these acts under “Human Rights Violations.”  Not to detract from this point, but I absolutely must acknowledge the relative safety of the life I live.  I never fear for my life and I never hunger or thirst.  I am blessed.

And I wonder sometimes, “Why am I in this place and not the child who scrounges for food in the dumps?” “Why am I here today, in Berkeley, working to receive this education?”

Now for the more… spiritual quandaries:
Part of me still needs “proof” that obedience is worth it. I love the Lord. sure.  And that love should compel me to love His teachings and honor them.  And I do follow His teachings to the best of my ability (which is to say… as best as I can.)  I am flawed, after all.

My question now is- Why would a just God give His people over to sin and allow the righteous to suffer while the wicked prosper? It is an elementary question, I know.  But I NEED to know that God’s justice prevails.  I can believe it, but I want to see it.  I want to know why people starve while the rich languish in their selfish excesses.  I want to know why the burden falls on the diligent few, and the credit is given to those who do little.

At the root, I’m looking for more proof that God is who He says He is. He says he is just, loving, slow to anger and merciful.  I know that doesn’t fit the meaning of faith- but I think that would strengthen my faith.  I would have a testimony.

I do not doubt that God exists.  I could not doubt that if I tried.  I just need to KNOW more about the God I profess to believe in.

And I’m also asking myself “Who am I to ask these questions?”

I have been shaken out of my complacency and made to wonder about assumptions I have made in the past.  I cannot say that this is comfortable at all.

“What then? If some did not believe, their unbelief will not nullify the faithfulness of God, will it?
May it never be! Rather, let God be found true, though every man be found a liar,”

-Romans 3:3-4

and a final verse:

1 Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.

3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]

5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.

6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.

7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity [b] ;
the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.

8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
in their arrogance they threaten oppression.

9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.

10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance. [c]

11 They say, “How can God know?
Does the Most High have knowledge?”

12 This is what the wicked are like-
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.

14 All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

15 If I had said, “I will speak thus,”
I would have betrayed your children.

16 When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me

17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.

19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!

20 As a dream when one awakes,
so when you arise, O Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

-Psalm 79

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