Speaking Candidly:

roses :)
roses :)

Recently I had to re-evaluate my priorities- this is not a strange thing at all.  I do it everyday.  But this time, it was different.  I had to excise a very important person out of my considerations for the future.  I had been planning possibility around him.  I would go a certain school, and pursue a certain career- all because I thought that he was a good match.

Mind, I was not in love.  I was close to it- I thought.  But the funny thing is, the closer I am to being in love, the more apt I am to losing what is most dear to me.  This has happened before.  Whatever grasp I had before was gone.  You can’t MAKE someone love you- nor can you change yourself to be the object of their desire and hope to be happy.  I want nothing less than to be unequivocally loved and wanted.  There should never be any doubt that I was that first choice- not just the most convenient or the back-up.

With that said, I refuse to settle.  I may have been willing to settle before, but I can see what I want clearly.  I will pursue a law degree and a future in public service.  I do not need to plan- God does that already!  Too many times I have seen my plans fall through, only to see clearer what God intends for me.  In the pain of loss, there is a sense of clarity.  The veil has been ripped away and I see more plainly that God’s plan supersedes my own.

In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

-Proverbs 16:9

And He wants nothing less than the best for me.  While I may choose to settle, God has big plans for me.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

At the moment, I am living day to day- or trying.  I still think about where I want to practice law, and how I would educate my children with a career and what my husband would do.  Old habits die hard.  I am asking God to work on me though.  I want relinquish that delusion that I somehow dictate my destiny.  Sure, I have free will, and my choices reverberate into the future- but by no means are my choices changing my destiny (God’s will.)

God is sovereign.  I am finite.

For that, I am grateful.  :)

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