Recently I had to re-evaluate my priorities- this is not a strange thing at all. I do it everyday. But this time, it was different. I had to excise a very important person out of my considerations for the future. I had been planning possibility around him. I would go a certain school, and pursue a certain career- all because I thought that he was a good match.
Mind, I was not in love. I was close to it- I thought. But the funny thing is, the closer I am to being in love, the more apt I am to losing what is most dear to me. This has happened before. Whatever grasp I had before was gone. You can’t MAKE someone love you- nor can you change yourself to be the object of their desire and hope to be happy. I want nothing less than to be unequivocally loved and wanted. There should never be any doubt that I was that first choice- not just the most convenient or the back-up.
With that said, I refuse to settle. I may have been willing to settle before, but I can see what I want clearly. I will pursue a law degree and a future in public service. I do not need to plan- God does that already! Too many times I have seen my plans fall through, only to see clearer what God intends for me. In the pain of loss, there is a sense of clarity. The veil has been ripped away and I see more plainly that God’s plan supersedes my own.
In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
And He wants nothing less than the best for me. While I may choose to settle, God has big plans for me.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
At the moment, I am living day to day- or trying. I still think about where I want to practice law, and how I would educate my children with a career and what my husband would do. Old habits die hard. I am asking God to work on me though. I want relinquish that delusion that I somehow dictate my destiny. Sure, I have free will, and my choices reverberate into the future- but by no means are my choices changing my destiny (God’s will.)
God is sovereign. I am finite.
For that, I am grateful. :)