I recognize that I am not a very emotionally intelligent person. My response to hurt and other strong emotions is to shut people out and act as if nothing ever happened- that friendship never existed, or that person never made an imprint on my heart.
Yesterday, I had dinner with my mom and little sister at a popular chain restaurant. This restaurant was not my first (or even my last) choice. I wanted to eat at the place next door- because I knew they served consistently good food. Well… the food was lackluster. And I was paying for my mom’s food. So I felt this pressure to have a good meal with my mom and sister. When the meal disappointed me, and the service was only so-so, I felt the anger rising in me. At first, it was anxiety- tapping my fingers on the table. Then it was the blindness as I looked at the $34.64 tab. I indignantly thought, “why would I pay that much for a lackluster meal?”
Finally, the anger did not subside until after I publicly pronounced (rather loudly, I’ll admit) that I would never eat there again. As I sat in the car after some silent fuming, my mom patted me on the thigh and reassured me that while the food may have been so-so, the company was priceless.
Still, I was angry. Balled up in that anxiety and anger was this sense that I wasn’t getting what I paid for.
Not in the restaurant.
Not in life.
Nowhere. I sow seeds, and don’t see the plants grow. I just … don’t.
Don’t call me faithless just yet. I still believe that God has a plan for my life. I can be almost certain that that plan is not mine.
But still… in my anger, there is a sense of entitlement. Like my labors (which are meaningless really) should yield returns. They SHOULD. And if they do not, I have every right to rage against the perceived injustice wrought by my God.
It bothers me. When I shake with anger at people, things, life… and God. It comes from a place of entitlement. I do not deserve anything… but I feel that at least my efforts should merit a reward.
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”
“Many are the plans in a man‘s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”