Anger and Entitlement

I recognize that I am not a very emotionally intelligent person.  My response to hurt and other strong emotions is to shut people out and act as if nothing ever happened- that friendship never existed, or that person never made an imprint on my heart.

…

Yesterday, I had dinner with my mom and little sister at a popular chain restaurant.  This restaurant was not my first (or even my last) choice.  I wanted to eat at the place next door- because I knew they served consistently good food.  Well… the food was lackluster.  And I was paying for my mom’s food.  So I felt this pressure to have a good meal with my mom and sister.  When the meal disappointed me, and the service was only so-so, I felt the anger rising in me.  At first, it was anxiety- tapping my fingers on the table. Then it was the blindness as I looked at the $34.64 tab.  I indignantly thought, “why would I pay that much for a lackluster meal?”

Finally, the anger did not subside until after I publicly pronounced (rather loudly, I’ll admit) that I would never eat there again.  As I sat in the car after some silent fuming, my mom patted me on the thigh and reassured me that while the food may have been so-so, the company was priceless.

Still, I was angry.  Balled up in that anxiety and anger was this sense that I wasn’t getting what I paid for.

Not in the restaurant.

Not in life.

Nowhere.  I sow seeds, and don’t see the plants grow.  I just … don’t.

Don’t call me faithless just yet.  I still believe that God has a plan for my life.  I can be almost certain that that plan is not mine.

But still… in my anger, there is a sense of entitlement.  Like my labors (which are meaningless really) should yield returns.  They SHOULD.  And if they do not, I have every right to rage against the perceived injustice wrought by my God.

It bothers me.  When I shake with anger at people, things, life… and God.  It comes from a place of entitlement.  I do not deserve anything… but I feel that at least my efforts should merit a reward.

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

Proverbs 16:9

“Many are the plans in a man‘s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”

Proverbs 19:21

and finally…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11