I was thinking.
I always think.
Occasionally I wonder. I wonder things like “what is the nature of joy?” Sure, I have those moments of pefectly incandescent happiness. Those moments are more akin to bonfires on the beach, whereas joy is like the fire that burns at the core of a small planet. True joy is internal and self-sustaining. Happiness is contingent and external. The winds of change and the harsh waters of reality can douse the flames of happiness, but joy is- it simply IS regardless of circumstance or feeling. Joy, like love is not a feeling.
I was thinking about this after a particularly positive conversation with an old friend. I basked in the glow of his support and encouragement. It’s been a while since anyone [not family :) ] has given me their undivided attention and genuinely cared about my well-being. Of course, there is the issue of me liking the attention. I realize with increasing alarm that small gestures mean far more to him than they do to me. I take the emails, phone calls, IMs, Facebook messages all for granted. These thoughts punctured my happy feelings. I can’t take this if I am not willing to reciprocate. I know too well that feeling of being taken for granted and I do not wish the same on another. If you notice, I have carefully avoided any mention of my actual feelings for him. That’s telling, isn’t it?
I’ll admit that communication is not my strong suit. I try. I am a direct person in all matters but the personal.
I think I’ll conclude for the day :)