Private Happinesses

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Last week was Spring Break. Indeed, Spring represented a Break from a lot of things that I thought were important. I see with fresh eyes that none of those things mattered. My focus was so narrow that I couldn’t see the true magnitude of the problem that I had fixated upon. A good question to ask is, “Will this matter in a year?”

And the answer has been, “No.”

I haven’t written anything that I am willing to share beyond my audience of one in almost a week. I’ve made tremendous progress on my MA Thesis, and I’ve written several short stories. The margins of my class notes from this week are full of realistic line drawings of whatever caught my eye.

My creative output in the past week is something like cultivating a private garden. No one else needs to know who planted the seeds, or when. No one needs to know which plants will grow. Only I, the gardener, get to take pleasure in the green buds pushing through the soil. 

I am creative when I am happy, and I like to keep my happinesses private. Perhaps it is superstitious, but I have always felt that sharing good news before it comes into fruition is a form of self-sabotage. Not everyone is on your side. Not everyone shares your happinesses. Actually, few people are in a place where they can share in your happiness. Then again, what’s for you is for you. 

Let’s just say that my hard work is paying off. I am seeing the fruit of my labors, and it is an immense relief. Also, I am shedding baggage that I was taught to carry, and I’ve never felt so light. Life is more… joyous without that weight on my back. See, it wasn’t even my baggage. It’s funny how that works. 

-Arrianna

4 Comments

  1. Great post, Arrianna, and congratulations on everything that’s coming into fruition for you. I understand the fear of self satogage when you let people know what you’re doing. I have mixed feelings on it. At times, I feel that by letting people know of certain plans, it’ll serve as an accountability tactic for me. But then the self doubt creeps in and I fear that I won’t be able to deliver. It’s a work in progress. And it’s more than ok to keep those happiest parts of you to yourself. At times, only you will be able to appreciate them.

    1. Hi Nicole!

      Thank you for reading and commenting. I think my tendency to keep my plans/goals/hopes to myself comes from being told that I “can’t” or “won’t” by people closest to me (even blood). Just like I guard my heart, I guard my work.

      I do have a small handful of people that I can trust to hold me accountable and ask the hard questions. In that, I am blessed.

      I definitely agree that there are times when “only you will appreciate” those happinesses.

  2. Great post, Arrianna, and congratulations on everything that’s coming into fruition for you. I understand the fear of self satogage when you let people know what you’re doing. I have mixed feelings on it. At times, I feel that by letting people know of certain plans, it’ll serve as an accountability tactic for me. But then the self doubt creeps in and I fear that I won’t be able to deliver. It’s a work in progress. And it’s more than ok to keep those happiest parts of you to yourself. At times, only you will be able to appreciate them.

  3. “…sharing good news before it comes into fruition is a form of self-sabotage” You just sounded like my mum right there. Truly, not everyone is on your side… and the fact that you share others’ happiness with them does not guarantee that they will reciprocate.

    I am happy that you are happy Arrianna :) … more good news is on the way…hopefully in one of the coming years, we would get to celebrate a birthday together in the same space and time zone. I haven’t forgotten your African print skirt by the way (just thought to chip that in, lol).

    Have a fab weekend.

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