Am I Free?

Me, 7 months ago

Am I free? I ask myself this occasionally, and rarely do I deliberate for very long. This time, however, I wonder if I am truly free. My station in life is heavily dependent upon other factors, so I don’t feel free. I’m in the younger generation that has been detrimentally affected by the recession.

At present, I am somewhat like a bird poised for flight. I have been living in my parents’ house for 18 months now, and I’ve been looking for work for two years now. I’m going to be honest- I felt like a caged bird for these last 18 months, when it was really a period of preparation, equipping and shedding before my flight. I moved back to my parents’ home thinking that I’d find a job in 3 months, move out and apply to graduate school in Fall 2011. Well, I didn’t get my first interview until 3 months later, and I didn’t get that job. 1000+ job applications and a year later, I was stressed out, hair falling out, feeling dejected because yet another phone interview didn’t go well. There were days when I didn’t have the sense of purpose to get out of bed. I felt like a canary with a ball and chain on its foot.

Looking back, I realize that God was doing a work in me- and is still working in me. My pride was sanded away and I was more humble than the recently-graduated Arri who felt that she DESERVED a job because she completed a degree. Similarly, living with the people who love me most- my family- has been challenging and rewarding. There are some days when I just don’t want to be around them, but most days? I love my family- quirks, annoyances and all.

So, I guess I’m getting to free. The last few months have forced me to shed some of the baggage that made my load heavier.

Me, 2 weeks ago

I turn 23 in twelve days. I am preparing for summer classes- in preparation for graduate school applications in Fall. I’m also freelancing and writing for a German thinktank. Additionally, I am looking for other opportunities and submitting my writing for publication all over. I’m making friends and maintaining relationships longer than I ever have in my life. I’m also much more self-aware and self-actualized than I was last year or the year before.

So the better question (do I sense a pattern?) is: Am I getting to free?

6 Comments

  1. I feel that I can relate to this. I just turned 23 in Feb and have been living with relatives since then. I’ve been job searching since then and have been rejected for every position I interviewed for. I expected to be working in about 2 or 3 months, not still unsure of what I’m doing with my life. It’s been a year since I’ve graduated and I feel… unaccomplished.

    So I don’t really feel free because freedom, for me, is about control – not the lack thereof. I don’t feel in control because I haven’t found a a job yet and even the work involved to get a job is disheartening. But, maybe I should re-define my position of freedom. Maybe it’s something else entirely?

    Also – you’re writing for a german thinktank? What’s it called? How did you find it?

    1. I understand feeling unaccomplished. Have you volunteered or interned? I find that keeps me feeling motivated. Am a certified adult literacy tutor through my local library, as well as a consultant for an anti-trafficking org that works to combat slavery in Africa. (Am preparing for my MA in Int’l Relations – Fall 2012, God-wiling)

      Part of being free is redefining freedom. It used to be about control for me too. Now, I’m just happy to have opportunities I do have.

      I can only encourage you to keep looking for work. It’s hard work, but worthwhile work. And if that doesn’t work- then you can ccreate your own job. #JustSaying

      http://bit.ly/jnjmKC <—- Future Challenges Organization, based in Guterslöh, Germany. They found me, actually. On Twitter, of all places :).

  2. you are lucky and indeed free Arri. Its good to appreciated that you are going through the changing scenes of life…so far it looks positive. finding your your[one’s]purpose is one thing and knowing how to get there or actualize that purpose is another. On another level this is inspiring.
    best wishes.

  3. Kinda of random, but would your birthday happen to be in June? If so, mine is to!

    I feel a lot of what you’re saying in this post and have been going through some similiar things. Its good to hear from you.

    Ms. Queenly

    1. Hello Fellow June Baby! :)

      I’m just glad to know that I’m not lone in what I’m going through. Thank you for stopping by!

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